05 Mar

Poor Dinkums…

Surely you remember Dinky?

[Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
Clark: Hi officer, what’s the problem?
Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark: I don’t think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren’t in uniform, I’d split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, “police brutality!”
Clark: Well whatever I did, I’m sure I can explain…
dogscene[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark: Oh my God…

Source: IMDB

That little bit of tragic comedy gold…I identify with that little dog. Although I have never pee’d on a picnic basket I have been known to rain on a parade or two…

And very much like that little dog, at some pit stop on this fucking winding road that is my life…I got tied to the bumper when I got out to pee, somewhere around 1973 I think…

I’ve been chasing this damn vehicle since…and I don’t know who’s at the wheel but I hope the have to pee soon so I can catch my breath and then beat them to death with a tire iron…

 

 

 

 

I am tired.

More tired than you know.

 

23 Feb

Cynical inspiration…

It’ll get better.

If I hear it again I swear I will etch that saying into a stick and beat someone with it.

I’m serious.

one-day-things-will-get-better

Look. If you can’t tell me precisely WHEN it will get better then I am calling bullshit on your whole theory that it will.

You said it as though you knew for sure…so it would be reasonable to believe that you not only know it will get better but that you know the precise day, month, year, hour, minute and second that it will get better…

No? Oh…I see. *cough* bullshitter *cough*

____________________________________________

You: “There’s cake if you would like some.”

Me: “I’d love some cake thanks.”

You: *staring blankly at me*

Me: “So…should I help myself…or…”

You: “I don’t know…I was just saying there’s cake if you want some.”

Me: “Is it your cake?”

You: “Oh no…that Universe guy  brought it in…the one with the big chip on his shoulder; standing next to those skanky Fate sisters.”

Me: “Did Mr. Universe say anything when he brought the cake? Like “Help yourselves…grab a slice…?”

You: “No, it is kind of assumed that everyone will get cake.”

Me: ” When?”

You: “No idea…I’m sure you’ll get some…just wait.”

Me: ” Who the fuck brings cake to a party and then just lets it sit there without any mention of eating it? No invitation to eat it? No announcement…”

You: “Oh yeah…he did say there would be cake for everyone.”

Me: “When?”

You: “Like I said…I have no idea…I was only telling you there was cake if you wanted some…just passing along the message…that’s it.”

Me: “Well that’s bullshit…so you’re just standing here telling everyone they’ll get cake without knowing for certain that everyone will get cake.

You: “No I know we’ll all get cake. Mr. Universe said so.”

Me: ” Have you ever seen anyone get cake?”

You: *sighing heavily* “No…I haven’t…look you’re starting to get on my nerves…can’t you just accept that you will get cake and leave it at that?”

Me: “No. You don’t tell people they can have some fucking cake and then not give them specific details on when and how to get that cake…it’s not right. You shouldn’t mess with people like that. That’s an asshole move man. Just sayin.”

You: “Okay…You WILL get cake…why isn’t that enough?”

Me: “WHY isn’t that enough? Well because I need cake, I love cake, I want cake….and it is really shitty to be told there is cake if I want it, and I do, but that there is no timeline for getting a piece…so how do I know…and how do you know for that matter that anyone will even get cake at all. Mr. Universe said so and you just believe everything he says? Do you even know the guy?”

You: “Nope. never met him. Why would he lie?”

Me: “To keep everyone waiting and wanting for cake of course…and to see how many people would go around telling everyone else there was cake that apparently no one will ever get. It’s a vicious fucking circle…everyone walking around wondering about cake and being assured they will get a piece, yet not one person here has a fucking piece of cake!”

You: “For the last time…you WILL get cake! Just go…go about your business…live your life…and you will get cake.”

Me: *incredulous* “W-H-E-N…when will I get cake…when you offer up the cake, the reasonable assumption is that the sharing, dividing of and/ or consumption of the cake is going to occur relatively expediently, and/ or within a reasonable time frame. When you offer said cake to someone you implant the expectation in their mind and the immediate and natural response is to enquire as to ‘when’ said cake will be dispersed…if you cannot answer that one simple question as to ‘WHEN’ then you have no business telling anyone with any level of certainty that they will in fact get cake. It is irresponsible.”

You: “You’re an asshole.”

Me: “So…about this cake…”

________________________________________________________

You see? So when you tell me “It’ll get better.”  and you don’t offer up a time line or present me with a fucking spreadsheet or send me an outlook calendar invitation to the event…I call bullshit.

You simply cannot know it will get better.

Oh….you hope it gets better?

Why didn’t you just say so?

19 Feb

Dear Purolator…you suck… a lot.

We live within 5 miles of the Purolator depot here in town.

Our package has been there since the 11th.

The shipper forgot to add our apartment number…okay so shit happens. We had to wait out the weekend as they don’t deliver on weekends. Monday rolls around and it’s a Holiday. So come Tuesday we have huge snow storm…

By the 17th the roads were all clear and everything should have been back on track right?

For everyone except Purolator apparently, who under the weight of the snow ( that didn’t even shut down UPS, Canada Post, DHL, Easy  or FedEx) were apparently unable to ship. We heard every excuse in the book right down to blaming non-existent construction and equally non-existent road closures.

I have been on the phone with them, in chat with them on Twitter, and we still are no closer to receiving our package.

No one at Purolator knows what the fuck is going on. No one can find our package now…the package that they found on the 15, 16th, 17th and again on the 18th…mysteriously disappears from their system on Friday the 19th.

Being told bullshit by people doing little more than trying to shift blame or divert the ire of an irritated customer is unacceptable. Take responsibility for your mess Purolator and get our package here.

Seriously. It has gone beyond ridiculous. The  only answer I get is to wait for a phone call from a “Tracing Specialist”.

Then we hear that it will be delivered on Saturday…because they are behind. Really.

Should I hold my hand under my ass?

18 Feb

The Toenail Incident…

We all have a memory from some time in our lives that has scarred us beyond words. Something so horrific, that the imagery, smells, tactile sensations, remain years after the event happens.

For my Husband it was a mammary accident, when as a boy he was asked to go and wake his Aunt from nap, as she rolled over, one of her massive flabby breasticles spilled out of her Moo Moo…to this day he cannot look at a large boobs without getting a bit queasy.

For me, it was The Toenail Incident.

L-gross

My parents were insane, and at the beginning of summer 1974, with Great Grandmother, laying on her death-bed on the other side of Canada, it seemed a perfect time for a family road trip, with three kids all under 10 years of age. This was before my Dad invested in the VW Pop-Top Van, which would take us on many great adventures, and we all crammed into my Mother’s, 1965 Dodge Dart. Two adults who didn’t like each other, and three kids who liked each other even less.

Alberta to Ontario or bust.

I remember the prairies seem to go on forever. I also remember getting a few elbows in the face from my little brother, and a few whacks from my Mother when I gave him a few more elbows right back than he’d dished out. My sister delighted in tormenting me as well, because she was sitting behind my Dad and our Mother’s arm couldn’t reach her. The woman had an incredible reach, to nail me right upside the head from the front seat. It was usually me who got whacked, but honestly I don’t remember being that bad of a kid…

We did the usual sight-seeing along the way, and stopped at more than a few truck stops and Mickey Dee’s for food and piddle breaks. As I recall, everyone made a  big fuss about my sister…”oh she’s so pretty”, “what beautiful hair…”, “Such a polite young girl…”. My brother was, “Adorable!”, and “Oh look at that little smile… he’s so cute and quiet!”

Then there was me. A barefoot, wild-looking, ginger-haired, freckled, Helion covered in three or so layers of dirt, mud and a variety of condiments and food particles, with a perpetually runny nose.

Yeah.

Anyway, so by the time we got to Ontario, we were all tired and pissy. We pulled into our Aunt’s backyard, set up the trailer tent and crashed. The next day we drove out to see the Great Grandmother.

I remember being forced to wash, put on clean clothes and instructed to,”leave your damn shoes on!” We drove for a while, before we arrived outside a small flat-roofed building, and pulled into a spot along the fence. I always had to sit behind my Mother, on the passenger side so she could hit me, when she felt I required a good whack. My sister had already gotten out on the driver’s side and nearly slammed the door on my head as I tried to worm out behind her, so I scooted back over and slid out of the car against the fence. Right into a mass of spiny thistles. Naturally, I had taken my shoes off and was now barefoot and angry, as I bulldozed my way crying and whining through all the thistles until I got to the walkway.

Now if my Mother had, had her way at that moment, I’m pretty sure she’d have suffocated me with that handkerchief she put over my face, instead of yelling “Blow your damn nose you look like an orphan!”, and muttering, “You had to take your shoes off…”

It was a really old-looking building, old square tiles on the floor, and a weird odor of rubber and bleach. Lots of nurses in white uniforms and little white hats, with drab cardigans. We walked down the hallway and into a room. There were a few other beds in there if I remember right, and we made our way over to one in particular.

There was a woman laying there with just a sheet draped over her middle half with her legs exposed. I just stood there frozen. She made a weird sound as she tried to move her mouth and her arm flailed as it reached out for me, there was spittle dipping out of her mouth and she grunted loudly…I felt a push from a hand behind me and I lost it.

I panicked. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with that woman but I wasn’t playing this game…I ran to the foot of the bed covered my face.

Now I had no idea that when I opened my eyes I was going to see something that would forever haunt me. Well into adulthood,the image of that “thing” would remain as fresh as the day I saw it.sunnitawnkingston22

The image of that gangly, gnarled and decidedly greyish yellow toenail…overgrown and thick as a tree branch…spiraled, lumpy and horribly huge. All of the toenails were like that. Attached to a skeletal foot with callouses and bunions as big as my fist.

I ran out of the room and wouldn’t go back. I had nightmares.

To this day, I can barely touch my own feet without gagging. Toenails must be short and trimmed and clean or I go a bit snaky. Feet are just gross anyway…

As an adult, of course I understand she’d had a stroke or five, and her motor skills were severely compromised. Her speech was virtually non-existent but she had her faculties about her. She knew who we were and why we were there. She got to see her Great Grand kids before she died and for her that was all that really mattered. I was too young and terrified to appreciate why we there. Too young to really comprehend that this woman was dying and this was her opportunity to say hello and goodbye.

The end of a wonderful woman, I never knew, and the beginning of a phobia.annarcher

18 Feb

Really?

Shit. You know, making a schedule is a hell of a lot like making a list, and I am notoriously bad at making lists.

That’s not actually true…I am notoriously bad at following lists and/or remembering that I have made a list at all.

My desk is usually covered in bits of paper, with scribbled lists. Like the grocery lists I make, and then forget to take with me when I finally make it out the door to head to the store. Sometimes I’ll remember the list and shove it into a pocket and then forget I have it as soon as I enter the store. Sometimes I remember I have the list but choose to ignore it, foolishly believing I have all the items committed to memory.

I read an article a while back that said most stores will pump pleasing scents into their air to encourage shoppers to buy. I am of the belief that stores pump stupidity into their atmospheres, because it doesn’t seem to matter where I go to shop, as soon as I walk in, I almost always stop just inside the door and wonder, “What the fuck did I come here for?”.

I don’t know what it is.

My greatest fear in life is that my memory will fail me. I actually have nightmares about it, and I frequently take the “Alzheimer’s Test” online. Seriously. I do.

My Mother has lost her marbles, and through the marvel of genetics, marble losing tends to run in families. My Mother writes post-it notes, to remember her post-it notes, to remember her post-it notes… last time I saw her, every cupboard door and her refrigerator door, was absolutely polluted with yellow post-it notes. Most of them were duplicates.

Nu-uh. I use post-it notes to leave love notes for my Husband. That’s it.

So making a blog schedule…I think I’d be setting myself up for a whole lot of irritation and undue pressure. Jesus Christ if I can’t even commit to a grocery list how am I supposed to follow a blog schedule?

I’m still hashing out my intentions for this website anyway. Chaotic and impulsive…loosely structured and full of ideas.

A lot like me.

18 Feb

You snooze you lose…

In a recent conversation with my Husband…recent as in just a second ago, and at least six or seven times a day, everyday for the last 6 years…

He has wondered how it is that I manage to drink all the coffee.

On average, I drink about 85% of the coffee at home. The coffee ratio between us is something like 4 to 1 per pot.

Okay so I drink an unusual amount of Joe. I love the shit. I even drink a cup before bed and believe it or not it helps me sleep. I have gone to bed without my bedtime cup of coffee, only to lay there for an hour thinking , “Mmm…a cup of coffee would be really nice…”. Then I’ll get up and make one, drink it and sleep like a baby. Seriously.

On average I make about 3 pots per day, sometimes more depending on the day. Our coffee maker makes 5 cups based on my mug size. It’s a large-ish mug…

To be fair I always announce when I have made fresh coffee. That conversation goes like this:

Me: “I made fresh coffee Baby.”

Him: tipping his mug to peer inside at the cold coffee already growing a milk skin on it, “I still have half a cup…”

Me: “That’s disgusting…you can have fresh…”

Him: “There’s nothing wrong with this coffee. I’ll get  a cup later…”

Me: “Ick.” as I pour myself a fresh cup.

An hour later… repeat.

An hour after that…repeat.

Three hours or so later, he’s finally reached the end of his cold coffee and is ready for a fresh cup, only to find, what he affectionately refers to as “scags” left in the coffee maker. That is old-ish, burned and bitter, coffee dredges. He empties the coffee maker into his cup and marvels at how I can drink so much so fast.

I give him ample opportunity to get fresh, warm, yummy coffee. I even offer to get it for him, because it grosses me out that he drinks “dead and dying coffee”. I have on occasion pinched his mug when he’s preoccupied, empty out whatever is growing in it, washed it and filled it with fresh Joe. Muddy with milk just how he likes it. He’ll argue that the coffee that was in there was, “perfectly good…” or that it was, “…still okay, it was just from yesterday…”

Honestly.

The man has a lead-lined stomach.

So the rule here is simple, if I mention that there is fresh coffee and you don’t get yourself some quickly…you’re more likely to get “scags”.

Sucks to be you…drink faster!

18 Feb

Have I told you…

Have I told you the story of how I met my husband? I don’t think I ever did.

Well…what a hoot it was!

 

I was just coming off of a 7 year episode of agoraphobia. Couldn’t leave my house, and the rare times when I did, I had to have someone with me.

One of the weirdest things I have ever had to deal with honestly.

Any way… so I had gone through therapy and was feeling a bit better. I was going out more and for the first time in my life at 32 years old, sat and had a cup of coffee in a restaurant all alone.

I spent a lot of time online while recovering as well as going out more often. Any method I could find to be social seemed to make things much better. One day I wandered across a link to a video blogging site. BlogTV.ca.

I was hooked. I started chatting, then actually doing little “shows” as well. Then the opportunity to head across Canada for a big weekend camp out came up. I would be staying with some of the people I had met online.

Who does that? Who just packs up and travels across the country to meet a bunch of weirdos in Ontario?

Any hoo…I did it. It was more about proving to myself that I could face the fears and do it than to actually meet everyone. I mean I loved meeting everyone and boy did I have fun…but for me it was a life confirming thing that was all mine.

Now I had been chatting with a fella who had been doing bachelor style cooking shows online. I liked him a lot.

I went to the camp out in Woodstock Ontario and had a blast!!! Then stopped in and met my Husband for the the first time in person. This is the actual picture I took of the moment I saw him.

224667_18012920912_2019_n

A little blurry…I was so damn excited I nearly hung myself when I forgot to unhook my seatbelt. I was hanging out of the car with the seatbelt cutting across my midsection as I took this picture.

This is the exact moment I knew. Isn’t that awesome? How many people have a picture of the exact moment they fell in love?

So, we met hung out a bit and then I had to go back to Vancouver.

We chatted more, then started making phone calls and talking till the wee hours, we spoke everyday and he was 100% exactly as he portrayed himself to be. In fact most of the people I met were straight up, not all of them…but the ones that were important were and I never lost contact with them.

A year after that visit, he came to Vancouver to bring me back to Ontario. It took us two years but we made it back.

A big thank you goes out to my absolutely insane sister for all of it too. She sent me to Ontario and back and funded my insanity while there. And when the Hubby and I needed to get back to Ontario she helped us again.

It really was an amazing thing.

We kept on with BlogTV.ca until the site went belly up. One of the bloggers purchased the domain name and hung onto it.

Well now…it looks like BlogTV.ca is going to make a comeback and guess what? We’re ridiculously into it. It’ll be…well…like a reunion.

17 Feb

Lost and found…

So again I find myself with far too much time on my hands. Aside from looking for work…I really have far too many hours in the day to try to fill with something meaningful and useful.

I found myself wandering around the house today…looking for something. I didn’t know what I was looking for but figured I’d know it when I found it.

I never found it and had no choice but to sit my ass back down and spend yet a few more hours staring at on-line jobs and customizing my resume to send to them.

Makes me go a little snakey…

So I did a little browsing and  googling to kill some time.

I still have a few sewing projects to do that I didn’t have time for when I working from 7 am to 5pm…

I also made a tinfoil hat. More about that later…maybe… I mean I know this is supposed to be where I release my inner weirdo…

All in good time.

17 Feb

The Spider Portal in my bathroom…

I didn’t get any pictures of the spiders that viciously, and without provocation, attacked me.20140628_113942

One was dangling at eye level from the ceiling above the tub, and was first sprayed with the only thing I could find…hairspray. I sprayed that red, blood sucking demon until he fell into the tub and then I washed him down the drain with scalding hot water. I did put the drain plug in, on the off-chance he survived and was of a mind to return and exact his revenge.

The second one, just now, as I sat down to piddle. Obviously related to the first one who died sticky and par-boiled. Motherfucking thing ran AT ME. It was on the ledge of the tub, and it ran right off the edge toward me falling on the floor right at my feet, and sending me, mid-stream, right off the toilet. Second time in as many years that a spider had caused me to pee on the damn floor.

So, with unders still around my knees…I threw the toothpaste at it. My aim is true. Stunned it long enough I could grab a shoe (my Husband’s shoe…) from the hallway and squash it into an unrecognizable goo. Normally I will scream for my Husband to come and save me. He wasn’t home…thankfully. I don’t know that he’d be an effective Spider Slayer while rolling around on the floor laughing at the fact I had just pee’d on the damn floor.

Yes, I had stopped peeing by this point.

I can’t live like this. I’m not being overly dramatic dammit. Going to the bathroom in my house in the spring and summer is a terrifying endeavor. They lurk. Fucking lurking, evil arachnids. They come from the “Spider Portal”. It’s actually a huge open vent in the ceiling that runs through to the roof top where giant fans suck the air up. Obviously not strong enough to suck the spiders up….noooooo. That would be awesome wouldn’t it? Suck them up to be chopped up by the enormous fan blades…

We’re out of Spider Killing Juice. All I had was some flea killer…my cats never go outside so I’m not sure why I even have it…anyway. I sprayed half the can up into the Spider Portal.

Have some of that you sneaky bastards!

My greatest fear is that they’ll get into my hair. I have big hair. They could conceivably hang out there for several hours…undetected. Makes me shiver. I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle because a spider jumped on me. I’ve screamed and thrown things at them, sprayed them with perfume, cologne and hair spray, and I’ve pee’d on floors… the damn things just scare the living shit out of me.

This vent, is right over the tub. This was some architects idea of a joke I am sure. Really funny. Ha. Asshole.

I was having a  bubble bath one day. Nice and relaxing.  opened my eyes and saw a little black thing wiggling in the bubbles. Immediately I scooted my legs up to my chest and screamed for my Husband. He came in, grabbed a piece of tissue and extracted the spider. Flushed it down the toilet.

Now in my mind I know he did. I did not however see the corpse. I sat there after he left the bathroom, knees still drawn up to my chest, at the opposite end of the tub. What if…he missed the spider? What if it sank into the water. What if it had burrowed into the bubbles and was slowly making its way toward me…tunneling…tunneling through the bubbles to get me…

I had to get out of the tub. I couldn’t even reach down to let the water out…too many bubbles… I was so thoroughly creeped out.

The first time I piddled on the floor. I was seated and mid stream and when I reached for the toilet paper there was a huge spider…all black and evil looking, just inches from my hand. I swear it wasn’t there when I sat down… it just appeared. I jumped a good three feet right out of the bathroom trailing piddle as I did, right out into the hallway. goddamnit. It had run off with the commotion and I couldn’t see it anymore. I closed the door and waited for my Husband to come home several hours later and hunt for it.

I always do a quick scan of the bathroom before I get cozy in there. I always inspect the vent before I shower… I never see them…then…when I foolishly let my guard down…BOOM. Spider.

They hang from the ceiling, they perch on my shower curtain, they run along the side of the tub and hide behind my shampoo, they lurk around the toilet and camp out next to the toilet paper roll. They lay in wait on the top of the door jamb to drop down into my hair, they also like to claim ownership of my towel, but wait to do so until I’m standing there soaking wet and dripping staring at them. Daring me…

They like to appear from under the medicine cabinet while I am brushing my teeth, or applying my eyeliner…that’s awesome. I was nearly blinded.

I try to stay calm…and sometimes I don’t do too badly. Most times though I react rather poorly.