18 Feb

Do you ever…

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

A kind of weird mental regression that overcomes me, and is enacted before I can even consider the company I am in or the consequences of my actions.

I swear it has to be a form of Turrets or something…

A plain pack of hot dogs sitting on the counter waiting to be opened, becomes worthy of a silly song and a little happy dance.

Sung to the tune of “Hello Mudda, Hello Faddah” by Allen Sherman

“Hello Doggies, Little doggies.

I will eat you, before you get all soggy,

In your squishy, pasty, white bun from the Quicky…”

Then comes the hysterical laughter as I clearly think I am extremely clever, and I add a little happy dance just to make sure I look as stupid as I sound.

My Husband was unfortunate enough to witness this.

I had opened my dogs and was grilling them ghetto-style in the oven, (for those who don’t know, ghetto style is where you put naked dogs on the oven racks themselves to get the “grill” lines. Makes awesome dogs!) Still giggling I headed to the living room to grab my coffee cup for a refill.

My Husband was sitting there, head tilted to the side, grinning…watching me.HotDog

Him: Sooooo…I’m guessing there is now a Hot dog song?

Me:  Yers…dare is. (comedy voice)

Him: Okay. Just so I know…you know…in case I hear it again and you know…wonder “What the fuck…?”

Me: There’s a song for everything Baby. Everything!

It is true. Apparently I have made up stupid songs for just about everything.

Lets see… in addition to The Hot Dog song, there is:

The All Alone song

Everyone Hates Gus song

You Don’t Own Anything Cuz You’re  a Dumb Cat song

Poor Kitty Why Can’t You Grow Thumbs and Go to the Store to Get Cream for My Coffee song

The Gotta Pee So Bad song

The Empty Fucking Coffee Cup song

The Holy Sneezy Face song

Why Does Everybody Call When I’m in the Goddamn Potty song

You get the idea… it’s chronic. What’s worse, is all of them are accompanied by my ridiculous, “dog-shitting-razor-blades” version of the twist, I refer to as My Happy Dance.

I know right?

For the record, nobody really hates Gus. Its just what we tell him so he doesn’t go getting all “Feline-Power” on us…we’re just helping him keep it real. Opposable Thumbs FTW Motherfucker!

My Husband will tell you, he knew there had to be a catch. Pretty, smart, funny…

Poor guy even fancies himself the “lucky one”.

Now THAT should be a song and dance!