17 Feb

The Spider Portal in my bathroom…

I didn’t get any pictures of the spiders that viciously, and without provocation, attacked me.20140628_113942

One was dangling at eye level from the ceiling above the tub, and was first sprayed with the only thing I could find…hairspray. I sprayed that red, blood sucking demon until he fell into the tub and then I washed him down the drain with scalding hot water. I did put the drain plug in, on the off-chance he survived and was of a mind to return and exact his revenge.

The second one, just now, as I sat down to piddle. Obviously related to the first one who died sticky and par-boiled. Motherfucking thing ran AT ME. It was on the ledge of the tub, and it ran right off the edge toward me falling on the floor right at my feet, and sending me, mid-stream, right off the toilet. Second time in as many years that a spider had caused me to pee on the damn floor.

So, with unders still around my knees…I threw the toothpaste at it. My aim is true. Stunned it long enough I could grab a shoe (my Husband’s shoe…) from the hallway and squash it into an unrecognizable goo. Normally I will scream for my Husband to come and save me. He wasn’t home…thankfully. I don’t know that he’d be an effective Spider Slayer while rolling around on the floor laughing at the fact I had just pee’d on the damn floor.

Yes, I had stopped peeing by this point.

I can’t live like this. I’m not being overly dramatic dammit. Going to the bathroom in my house in the spring and summer is a terrifying endeavor. They lurk. Fucking lurking, evil arachnids. They come from the “Spider Portal”. It’s actually a huge open vent in the ceiling that runs through to the roof top where giant fans suck the air up. Obviously not strong enough to suck the spiders up….noooooo. That would be awesome wouldn’t it? Suck them up to be chopped up by the enormous fan blades…

We’re out of Spider Killing Juice. All I had was some flea killer…my cats never go outside so I’m not sure why I even have it…anyway. I sprayed half the can up into the Spider Portal.

Have some of that you sneaky bastards!

My greatest fear is that they’ll get into my hair. I have big hair. They could conceivably hang out there for several hours…undetected. Makes me shiver. I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle because a spider jumped on me. I’ve screamed and thrown things at them, sprayed them with perfume, cologne and hair spray, and I’ve pee’d on floors… the damn things just scare the living shit out of me.

This vent, is right over the tub. This was some architects idea of a joke I am sure. Really funny. Ha. Asshole.

I was having a  bubble bath one day. Nice and relaxing.  opened my eyes and saw a little black thing wiggling in the bubbles. Immediately I scooted my legs up to my chest and screamed for my Husband. He came in, grabbed a piece of tissue and extracted the spider. Flushed it down the toilet.

Now in my mind I know he did. I did not however see the corpse. I sat there after he left the bathroom, knees still drawn up to my chest, at the opposite end of the tub. What if…he missed the spider? What if it sank into the water. What if it had burrowed into the bubbles and was slowly making its way toward me…tunneling…tunneling through the bubbles to get me…

I had to get out of the tub. I couldn’t even reach down to let the water out…too many bubbles… I was so thoroughly creeped out.

The first time I piddled on the floor. I was seated and mid stream and when I reached for the toilet paper there was a huge spider…all black and evil looking, just inches from my hand. I swear it wasn’t there when I sat down… it just appeared. I jumped a good three feet right out of the bathroom trailing piddle as I did, right out into the hallway. goddamnit. It had run off with the commotion and I couldn’t see it anymore. I closed the door and waited for my Husband to come home several hours later and hunt for it.

I always do a quick scan of the bathroom before I get cozy in there. I always inspect the vent before I shower… I never see them…then…when I foolishly let my guard down…BOOM. Spider.

They hang from the ceiling, they perch on my shower curtain, they run along the side of the tub and hide behind my shampoo, they lurk around the toilet and camp out next to the toilet paper roll. They lay in wait on the top of the door jamb to drop down into my hair, they also like to claim ownership of my towel, but wait to do so until I’m standing there soaking wet and dripping staring at them. Daring me…

They like to appear from under the medicine cabinet while I am brushing my teeth, or applying my eyeliner…that’s awesome. I was nearly blinded.

I try to stay calm…and sometimes I don’t do too badly. Most times though I react rather poorly.