17 Feb

Things I shouldn’t do, but do anyway #1…

As an adult I know things. I am aware of consequences, right and wrong, cause and effect. Common sense for the most part is something I hold in very high regard, as it is genuinely precious.

However, there are times when all of the practical things I know cease to matter, I regress to that 6 year old mentality that “wants what they want”. So there. Neener neener.

Some of these things defy logic, and basic common sense. I admit it. Sometimes, I am simply an idiot.

Like shoveling scalding hot food into my mouth. Even with a warning, that it is hot. It’s like a challenge…

My Husband: “I don’t know why I bother but…that is fucking hot. Like fucking hot as in it JUST came out of the oven hot. Really, really, really hot…”

Me: Too late! HAHA!  “Hawh…hawh…”, with my mouth agape and little puffs of steam billowing out of it, panting desperately to cool of the morsel just enough that can I do speed chew it and swallow it while it’s still hotter than molten fucking lava.

My Husband: “You’re a dick.”

Me: “You love me.”

It’s a terrible habit that naturally, stems from my childhood. I was busy and had shit to do. The whole eating thing was a major pain in my ass, and besides my Mother was a “Meal Nazi”. A veritable tyrant at the dinner table. Preaching etiquette, demanding silence and I was her favorite target. I had her fork jabbed into my arm, I’d been smacked upside the head, had my plate tossed on the floor and told to eat like an “animal” if I was going to chew with my mouth open. I had been kicked under the table, so many times I started sitting cross legged on the chair. Damn woman wised up to that one and if she couldn’t “test kick” my legs under the table she would take my food away until I “sat properly”.

My Dad never ate with us because he had a “nose whistle” and it literally drove my Mother insane. The slightest thing would set her off, and the rules changed frequently. Not quiet enough to too quiet. Making a swallowing noise was unacceptable and disgusting , but then sipping your drink with a mouthful of food to avoid making a swallowing noise is disgusting and you’ll get backwash in the cup and THAT is even more disgusting.  And goodness help you if you scraped your knife or fork on your plate while you were eating…that would enrage her, and you’d be guaranteed a swift smack and a lecture on, “proper continental dining etiquette and table manners”

The less time spent at the table with my Mother watching my every move…the better. So I learned to eat lightning fast, as silent and as motionless as humanly possible.

I was much more “relaxed” with my own daughter, although chewing with an open mouth, unless you’re sick and stuffed up…will make me kinda bitchy.