23 Feb

Cynical inspiration…

It’ll get better.

If I hear it again I swear I will etch that saying into a stick and beat someone with it.

I’m serious.

one-day-things-will-get-better

Look. If you can’t tell me precisely WHEN it will get better then I am calling bullshit on your whole theory that it will.

You said it as though you knew for sure…so it would be reasonable to believe that you not only know it will get better but that you know the precise day, month, year, hour, minute and second that it will get better…

No? Oh…I see. *cough* bullshitter *cough*

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You: “There’s cake if you would like some.”

Me: “I’d love some cake thanks.”

You: *staring blankly at me*

Me: “So…should I help myself…or…”

You: “I don’t know…I was just saying there’s cake if you want some.”

Me: “Is it your cake?”

You: “Oh no…that Universe guy  brought it in…the one with the big chip on his shoulder; standing next to those skanky Fate sisters.”

Me: “Did Mr. Universe say anything when he brought the cake? Like “Help yourselves…grab a slice…?”

You: “No, it is kind of assumed that everyone will get cake.”

Me: ” When?”

You: “No idea…I’m sure you’ll get some…just wait.”

Me: ” Who the fuck brings cake to a party and then just lets it sit there without any mention of eating it? No invitation to eat it? No announcement…”

You: “Oh yeah…he did say there would be cake for everyone.”

Me: “When?”

You: “Like I said…I have no idea…I was only telling you there was cake if you wanted some…just passing along the message…that’s it.”

Me: “Well that’s bullshit…so you’re just standing here telling everyone they’ll get cake without knowing for certain that everyone will get cake.

You: “No I know we’ll all get cake. Mr. Universe said so.”

Me: ” Have you ever seen anyone get cake?”

You: *sighing heavily* “No…I haven’t…look you’re starting to get on my nerves…can’t you just accept that you will get cake and leave it at that?”

Me: “No. You don’t tell people they can have some fucking cake and then not give them specific details on when and how to get that cake…it’s not right. You shouldn’t mess with people like that. That’s an asshole move man. Just sayin.”

You: “Okay…You WILL get cake…why isn’t that enough?”

Me: “WHY isn’t that enough? Well because I need cake, I love cake, I want cake….and it is really shitty to be told there is cake if I want it, and I do, but that there is no timeline for getting a piece…so how do I know…and how do you know for that matter that anyone will even get cake at all. Mr. Universe said so and you just believe everything he says? Do you even know the guy?”

You: “Nope. never met him. Why would he lie?”

Me: “To keep everyone waiting and wanting for cake of course…and to see how many people would go around telling everyone else there was cake that apparently no one will ever get. It’s a vicious fucking circle…everyone walking around wondering about cake and being assured they will get a piece, yet not one person here has a fucking piece of cake!”

You: “For the last time…you WILL get cake! Just go…go about your business…live your life…and you will get cake.”

Me: *incredulous* “W-H-E-N…when will I get cake…when you offer up the cake, the reasonable assumption is that the sharing, dividing of and/ or consumption of the cake is going to occur relatively expediently, and/ or within a reasonable time frame. When you offer said cake to someone you implant the expectation in their mind and the immediate and natural response is to enquire as to ‘when’ said cake will be dispersed…if you cannot answer that one simple question as to ‘WHEN’ then you have no business telling anyone with any level of certainty that they will in fact get cake. It is irresponsible.”

You: “You’re an asshole.”

Me: “So…about this cake…”

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You see? So when you tell me “It’ll get better.”  and you don’t offer up a time line or present me with a fucking spreadsheet or send me an outlook calendar invitation to the event…I call bullshit.

You simply cannot know it will get better.

Oh….you hope it gets better?

Why didn’t you just say so?

18 Feb

Really?

Shit. You know, making a schedule is a hell of a lot like making a list, and I am notoriously bad at making lists.

That’s not actually true…I am notoriously bad at following lists and/or remembering that I have made a list at all.

My desk is usually covered in bits of paper, with scribbled lists. Like the grocery lists I make, and then forget to take with me when I finally make it out the door to head to the store. Sometimes I’ll remember the list and shove it into a pocket and then forget I have it as soon as I enter the store. Sometimes I remember I have the list but choose to ignore it, foolishly believing I have all the items committed to memory.

I read an article a while back that said most stores will pump pleasing scents into their air to encourage shoppers to buy. I am of the belief that stores pump stupidity into their atmospheres, because it doesn’t seem to matter where I go to shop, as soon as I walk in, I almost always stop just inside the door and wonder, “What the fuck did I come here for?”.

I don’t know what it is.

My greatest fear in life is that my memory will fail me. I actually have nightmares about it, and I frequently take the “Alzheimer’s Test” online. Seriously. I do.

My Mother has lost her marbles, and through the marvel of genetics, marble losing tends to run in families. My Mother writes post-it notes, to remember her post-it notes, to remember her post-it notes… last time I saw her, every cupboard door and her refrigerator door, was absolutely polluted with yellow post-it notes. Most of them were duplicates.

Nu-uh. I use post-it notes to leave love notes for my Husband. That’s it.

So making a blog schedule…I think I’d be setting myself up for a whole lot of irritation and undue pressure. Jesus Christ if I can’t even commit to a grocery list how am I supposed to follow a blog schedule?

I’m still hashing out my intentions for this website anyway. Chaotic and impulsive…loosely structured and full of ideas.

A lot like me.

18 Feb

You snooze you lose…

In a recent conversation with my Husband…recent as in just a second ago, and at least six or seven times a day, everyday for the last 6 years…

He has wondered how it is that I manage to drink all the coffee.

On average, I drink about 85% of the coffee at home. The coffee ratio between us is something like 4 to 1 per pot.

Okay so I drink an unusual amount of Joe. I love the shit. I even drink a cup before bed and believe it or not it helps me sleep. I have gone to bed without my bedtime cup of coffee, only to lay there for an hour thinking , “Mmm…a cup of coffee would be really nice…”. Then I’ll get up and make one, drink it and sleep like a baby. Seriously.

On average I make about 3 pots per day, sometimes more depending on the day. Our coffee maker makes 5 cups based on my mug size. It’s a large-ish mug…

To be fair I always announce when I have made fresh coffee. That conversation goes like this:

Me: “I made fresh coffee Baby.”

Him: tipping his mug to peer inside at the cold coffee already growing a milk skin on it, “I still have half a cup…”

Me: “That’s disgusting…you can have fresh…”

Him: “There’s nothing wrong with this coffee. I’ll get  a cup later…”

Me: “Ick.” as I pour myself a fresh cup.

An hour later… repeat.

An hour after that…repeat.

Three hours or so later, he’s finally reached the end of his cold coffee and is ready for a fresh cup, only to find, what he affectionately refers to as “scags” left in the coffee maker. That is old-ish, burned and bitter, coffee dredges. He empties the coffee maker into his cup and marvels at how I can drink so much so fast.

I give him ample opportunity to get fresh, warm, yummy coffee. I even offer to get it for him, because it grosses me out that he drinks “dead and dying coffee”. I have on occasion pinched his mug when he’s preoccupied, empty out whatever is growing in it, washed it and filled it with fresh Joe. Muddy with milk just how he likes it. He’ll argue that the coffee that was in there was, “perfectly good…” or that it was, “…still okay, it was just from yesterday…”

Honestly.

The man has a lead-lined stomach.

So the rule here is simple, if I mention that there is fresh coffee and you don’t get yourself some quickly…you’re more likely to get “scags”.

Sucks to be you…drink faster!

12 Feb

Once again…

You know when you think you know what you’re doing and you start messing around with things thinking, “I got this.”

I didn’t have it.

Well I did, but then I lost track of it and then with one click…it was gone.

I had my back up for the website in a folder,  safe and sound on my server. Somehow in my clicky-clickerson-ness…I checked the box and didn’t notice.

It was all deleted. ALL DELETED.

Again.

The last time I did it…I was messing with my SQL database and code. Didn’t make note of the changes I was making and then…well it was gone.

I found a few posts on the wayback machine..but most didn’t get cached.

Starting over yet again.

I have since set up my site  to back up automatically weekly. In the event that I decide to go messing with shit again…I’ll be covered.

So if you wondered…that’s where it all went.