17 Feb

If “It” had a voice…

This was a post I had written some time ago…oddly one of the few that did not get lost when my site crashed (with my help).

Men are funny creatures. I like them. My Husband is a pretty good catch I figure, as far as men go. He’s a no pretensions, no apologies, manly man. My Husband is the kind of man, who as soon as he walks in the door from work, will strip down to his underwear, and that is how he’ll remain unless he is forced to put on some cargo shorts.

He’s a mullet sporting, biker type. Mustache with a little “foo-man-chu thing started and a soul patch. Tattooed and rough-looking with a definite edge. Highly intelligent, clever and, in all honesty a big dork. His appearance totally belies the person he is, and he likes it that way. He likes the “shock-factor” when people discover he’s not the stereotypical red neck he appears to be. He’s very fond of the contradiction.

So I’m sitting at my computer the other day, whining that I can’t seem to keep a single thought in my head, long enough to get more than a line or two written. Then I hit delete and stare blankly at the screen.

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to find my Husband, in his underwear of course, flashing his man-bits at me.

“Hello…I am Mr. Peen…” he says in a low baritone, giving it a little wiggle.

With the slightest smirk on my face,”You’re such a dork.”

He flashes a moustached grin, gives “Mr. Peen” another little wiggle, “I’m not sure why I gave him such a deep voice…?” he questions.

“It just seems like he should have a very deep voice…” tilting his head to the side slightly, obviously now lost in thought about the implications of a supposed and likely vocal quality for his penis…if a penis could have a voice.

I don’t interrupt this thought process, other than to say, “It’d be a little disturbing if it sounded like Michael Jackson…”.

It’s one of those things that doesn’t need a lot of female input. I mean it doesn’t need female input to decide what vocal quality a man’s penis would have if it were to have a vocal quality at all. I don’t really have an opinion on the subject, and really at that point, had it not been so damn hot and humid, I am certain we could have found other things to do with his penis that didn’t involve “finding it’s voice”.

But it was hot and humid and the thought of getting all sweaty and breathless at that moment, although briefly and silently entertained in my head, was quickly dashed by the reality that, when even the action of blinking makes your eye balls sweat it’s too damn hot for nookie. That’s sad. I know. It pains me.

So as he wandered off muttering in various baritones that might suit his peen, and I was left to ponder.

I know damn well that my Husband is not the only man who does this. It has to span the classes. It cannot be a “status” thing or a socioeconomic “trait”. Men from every walk of life, educational background, upbringing and rearing, do this kind of thing. Hell, they have two Ozzy guys that created a live show and tour the world and actually make a living, contorting and manipulating their penis’ for large crowds of people… “Puppetry of the Penis“. They give them voices too…

You know I am betting, that Harper himself has on occasion, approached the Missus, peen in hand and announced, “Say Hello to Mr. Winky!” Disturbing and likely a bit proper…I kind of envisioned Harper giving his penis a proper British accent…not sure why. I could totally see Obama doing it too, he’d make it sound like Inspector Clouseau I figure. Obama seems like the type that would be pretty good at impressions… We all know with almost absolute certainty that Rob Ford does. So then I was off thinking of all the “famous” powerful men who might prance around in front of their significant others, using their penis’ to make commentary or initiate some frisky time.

I am glad that, despite our technological advances in computer enhanced neurosciences, that you are unable to see the images that flitted around in my brain.

As a side note, I don’t recommend Google searching for anything with “penis” in the title. I did try to find other instances of women saying their husbands or boyfriends did this…all I can say is the internet is a weird fucking place. Really, really, really weird.

From a woman’s point of view, I think I speak for all woman here…we are so very glad that penis’ cannot talk. Can you imagine the endless muffled chatter?

“Are you ready now? How about now? Now? Oh nice bend over like that again…I love it when you vacuum…are you ready now? You look hot doing dishes…ready yet? How ’bout now?”

They’d never shut up. Never. Penis muzzles and shock collars and special underwear with noise cancelling “cones of silence” would be flogged on the HSC and doctors all over the world would make a killing at “de-vocalizing ” penis’. Reality Talk Shows would spring up everywhere, and would have episodes with great titles like, “Shocked Into Silence”, “How Fruit of the Loom Stole my Voice and my Innocence”. There would  be rallies and protests, precedent setting court cases. Men would take their own penis’ to court and sue for damages to careers and relationships. Penis’ would counter-sue for undue hardships and inhumane treatment. Penis discrimination would be rampant. Employers and recruiters would have to interview both the male applicant and his penis and the paperwork would create an administrative nightmare!

What if the penis had a speech impediment or learning disability? Can you imagine? (The very thought almost made me pee a little from laughing so hard).

Then there would be the  Annual Penis Pride Parade, because everyone has to have a fucking parade!

Advocacy groups would spring up like dot coms did in the 80’s…Phallic Freedom Fighters, The No Penis Left Behind Campaign, Dicks Anonymous, Shlongs United and The Penis Rights Coalition.

Dating sites for Penis’ would be all the rage, and speed dating groups would gain in popularity as every penis tried to find their soul mate. Men and their Penis’ would have to double date…

It would be mayhem!

I could go on…but you get the idea…


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